In the rain..

I don't know..
I've been feeling utterly disconnected from everything lately.
Like, nothing feels real anymore.
Everyday I just think about getting high and seeing Patrick.
It makes me sad.
I love being loved and stuff, but I wish I had more to my life, I wish I could get clean for just one fucking week so I could get the job I have wanted for so long.
But, no.
I can't.
I miss how controlled my life used to be,
I miss school, and my jobs.
I miss responsibility and accomplishment.
I miss all that AND having Patrick by my side during every moment.
But we get high..
Were not working towards anything together.
He has his job and he wants me to work there again, but I don't want to coach anymore really.
I don't know what I want to do anymore.
My future seems like a massive blur and I have no idea if im going to be alive or married with children in 10 years.
I don't even know that.
I want to be successful with him.
I don't feel like slacking anymore, that isn't who I am.
I fell through this terrible hole and every time I think I've almost reached the top of it, I fall flat on my face with a needle in my arm.
And then I say to myself, what did you expect?
I want my old life back more than anything!
Me and Patrick could have been graduating in one more semester and I could have been a receptionist and working towards being an admin and the damn school for God's sake.
It's all gone..
That sense of accomplishment is nonexistent, and I can't really remember the last time I felt that and I want to feel that so badly..
Instead all I do is get high and plan for my next one,
and at the same time talk about how good my life is going to be one day.
I'm scared about things I can't even type.
I'm sad.
I am grateful to have him back in my life..
I truly am.
But I want our good, no lying and feeling like shit to parents, everyday striving life back.
I need that..
Before I die.

I'm scared.
I wish I never picked up that fucking needle.
Today could have been different.
Instead today I'm everything I used to hate..
And much much more,
because it's me.