Love is in the drug.

So it's 6:30am.. And seriously, I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack so I'm guessing I should take the last of my pk's.. right..

Fuck everything dude..

All I've had was a 80 calorie yogurt, and it wasn't even organic.


The God Damn Mother Fucking Hurricane.
"In Patterson, that's just the way things go,
If you're black-- You might as well not show."
"Put in a prison cell but,
ONE TIME HE COULDA BEEN THE CHAMPION OF THE WORLD."
yeh, best song and movie, ever.
Historic even!
Dylan really really paints a brilliant picture for this man's story,
every single word is just so true.
It's incredible, I couldn't be happier with the song.
It'll probably be one of my favorites forever.

:'(, So..
I just saw some pictures of my girl Amelia that I grew up with, and who is also one of the girl's that I lived with in FL..
She's looking very bad..
She did tell me she gets Roxie's for 5 a piece now..
It makes me jealous.. But god..
Just to see somebody I care for look so unhealthy due to very powerful drugs, makes me hurt, and realize how I managed to be 92 lbs in Florida... I guess you really do forget to eat.. I guess I really did throw up after I took a hit.. God. It makes me so jealous, and hurt at the same time.
I hope so badly that they chill out, or they will die.
I know I, myself is a drug addict-- But these people I care about, and I guess when it's not you.. You see addiction in the fucked up light that it really is.
You see it, for addiction. ..And not a game.
So how do I get out of the game?
My old heroin dealer keeps calling me, I am battling some very powerful shit. And I don't know what to do. All my friends are druggies, everybody..
I need a cigarette.

My birthday is in 5 days..
What really do I want?
What honestly is it that I'm after?
Right now, all I want is heroin.
10 bags.
I have not used the powerful fucking bullshit in over a month,
and I feel like I've just given up.
My drug dealer calling me is not a good sign..
I'm scared and feeling incredible helplessness.
I don't know what do to..
I need to talk to Robin.
Even though she would want to party on my birthday with a couple bags and pk's as well.
But, I need her advice.
I don't know how she does it.
I don't know how she maintains a "normal" life and still be addicted to pk's.
Thank goodness she doesn't use heroin as much as I do, otherwise she KNOWS she would be screwed.
I just don't know how she does it all in moderation,
what the fuck is doing drugs in moderation anymore to me?
It just doesn't make sense.
I guess that means I'm an addict.
I cannot USE successfully.
I wish I was never introduced to "addiction".
I'm an idiot.
My mom blames my ex boyfriend,
she always brings it up as if i do not know.
I'm killing myself because of what he did to me,
I KNOW THIS, and I do not need to be reminded.
--What I guess hurts the most...
Is that I gave my all.
And if my all is not enough,
I guess I'm just worthless.
Completely just fuckin worthless.
And now I'm a worthless junkie.
It's such bullshit,
what I've become.
Because of a fuckin dude.
Like come on, am I really that weak?
I guess so.
I've accepted the fact that I'll most likely die this way,
I'll most likely end up using hardcore on my birthday.
Nothing can stop me,
and that's what scares me.
I've forgot what it's like to care, about anything--
Especially myself.

What. Fucking. Ever.
Everything seems like such a blur to me,
my future, my life, my death, my past, my present, my love, my hate,
me.
I don't even need drugs anymore to see life blurry.

Today is Joey's birthday,
hope I get fucking wasted.

Right now.. Ugh.
What. Is. Wrong. With. Me.

Allison keeps wanting to talk to me,
how do I talk to her without saying..
nvm.

I wish happiness didn't wear off.

----------------------------------------------------------------

So.
What else is there except my disgusting drug problem.
I wish I was exaggerating.
I finally understand so many things about addiction,
I understand that It's not something we want, It's something we need.
No matter how badly you want to stop, you simply cannot.
I have not hit rock bottom, and that usually is what gets you to stop.
No, It's not a joke, or a game anymore..
But, it is the only thing that fills everything hallow in me.
When I'm high, nothing at all can touch me.
Nothing can hurt me, or make me cry.
It changed me.
I have AMAZING people in my life,
I've realized that when you are a drug addict-- No matter what,
you just end up hurting them.
And I don't want to do that.
I don't want to shut them out, and be cold and heartless.
I don't want to do that.
And I try SO HARD not to.
Everything is just killing me.
Again,
I wish I was exaggerating.

Well, I have no idea what tomorrow holds for me..
But as for today, I guess I'm just gonna try not to go insane.

"It's a sick love affair, and I'm a hopeless romantic"

The times, they are a changin'

"But lots of people first have to find the wind."

*

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*

FINALLY!

<3

"Because you create this trail of destruction,
and you don't take any responsibility for it. Why should you be the only one that doesn't pay?
You are so full of shit."
Jenny

Well, Max is pregnant! lol.. wtf.
Like fir real.

"I'm sorry i kicked you in the balls,"
"And I'm sorry I knocked you up."

I think they're gonna have it..


*

The Hunger Artist '09

It never stops.



















EVER.

Some people say it's just a stage... But unfortunately, they are sadly sadly mistaken.
Diuretics, vomiting, and starving is a way of life.
A fuckin shitty one, but-- You will never EVER really heal.
No matter how happy, or how successful you are. If you have an ed, I guarantee it will never ever leave your life.
It may subside for a month or two, or even a year. But,
It always comes back.
It wants to ruin your life.
It wants to make it worse than it already is.
No matter what.. The disease will never ever be cured.
There will always be triggers, just like the drugs.
There will always be the fucking need to be perfect,
In such a not so perfect world..
And it just ends up in destruction.
Every time.

Some things just are.

"Lust is clearly not love. Love is based on more than just physical attraction. Sure, attraction is a factor, but love goes deeper than that. Love is based on caring, friendship, commitment and trust. When you are in love it is as if you have your best most trusted friend at your side AND you feel physically attracted to them. It is the best of both worlds! Love is a shared feeling between two people who have a vested interest in one anothers happiness. Love is not about jealousy. It is not about conflict. It is not about testing. Love is a positive feeling. If it is tainted by mistrust, jealousy, insecurity or spitefulness it is not really love but merely a pale copy. Love is the total surrender of your heart to another person with the security of knowing they will treat it better than you will. Love should feel good. It should not feel bad. Love should make you want to be a better person, it should not lead you to do something self destructive. Love is not demanding of your spirit but lifts it and makes it glow. Love is a good thing."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------


*
Memory's from Florida.

Nerd much? But hey, it's me and Jeff :P

Zachary, Me, and Miguel. <3

Giancarllo gettin whipped.

Me and Brandi, at some bar with friends.

Recent photos.

Poor Mike.

"Great thoughts come from the heart"

Robin's tizzle compared to mine.

Sanity.

..Insanity. And drugs.

01.27.2008

------------------------------------------------------------

okay, goodnight.

*

Life is a nightmare.

HOW STRANGE..
I just had a boost on confidence, hahahah.
Don't think it'll last long, maybe I should take advantage of it while it lasts.
Going tanning is the most therapeutic thing in the world. Unfortunately, I've been so sick that now I'm as white as a fuckin ghost. GAY.
I found pictures of my one house on Google, RIDICULOUS. lol..

yeh, fuckin weird. Doesn't look as big as it is, or idk maybe it does. idk maybe its all the fields lol.
So, I'm thinking about going out today for a ride somewhere on s transit, where all the action goes down in the country.
I just wonna get all pretty and go out all day by myself and not be bothered.
For some reason that calms me down, just wish I wasn't feeling like such shit.
If not, tomorrow for sure.

So I woke up this afternoon and I had this one disturbing dream that I always have when I'm in Kim's old mansion and her dad is chasing me around cause he hates me and he was seriously trying to kill me, but was different in this dream today was that i finally got out of the house, I always went for the window, and this time i was able to get out of it. It was even super weird cause this time when I looked out the window and the other Kim across the street on my old block, they were having a Nightmare Before Christmas party?? idk it was so weird. That Kim isn't kool enough in real life to have a NBC party.

uhh, BC rich. want. need. to. shred. bitch.

She's at the Chateau Marmont.

"In your eyes I see things I know I cannot touch, I know not to reach for them, I let them touch me.
And I cherish these moments that we're able to share, however fleeting they may be."
Molly- The L Word
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Baby, baby
When we first met
I never felt something so strong
You were like my lover
And my best friend
All wrapped into one
With a ribbon on it
And all of a sudden
you went and left
I didn't know how to follow
It's like a shock
That spun me around
And now my heart's dead I feel so empty and hollow

And I'll never give myself to another
The way I gave it to you
Don't even recognize The ways you hurt me
Do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame

And now I feel like, oh
You're the reason
Why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke on
These cigarettes no more
I guess that's what I get For wishful thinking
Should've never let you enter my door
Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
Cause now I'm using like I bleed
It's like I checked into rehab
Baby you're my disease
It's like I checked into rehab
Baby you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease

Damn,
Ain't it crazy
When you're loveswept
You'll do anything
For the one you love
'Cause anytime
That you needed me
I'd be there
It's like
You were my favorite drug
The only problem is
That you was using me
In a different way That I was using you
But now that I know
That it's not meant to be
You gotta go
I gotta wean myself off of you
-------------------------------------------------

So, yeh every time I listen to that song I cry. It's so true. But it's okay.
I've been realizing so much these past few weeks about things and people that it just amazes me, for real.
It really does amaze me.
How amazing some people can be, and then how fucking incredibly cruel the others can be.
It's like I either love somebody, or I hate them.
But in these cases, I'm talking about my "close" people. good people, bad people, pussy's, and well then there's the people in my life that are good.. But have serious problems-- that I do not condemn them for but it hurts to see destruction when it's not me.
Like Mike for instance, I do truly love him so much-- but why does he have to be an alcoholic.. My parents love him too and it just hurts for all of us to see him in such bad shape. Maybe him and his family think the same about me..
I mean, I sat at his fuckin bedside all day and night while he was in the hospital a few weeks ago risking getting extremely sick which I did, so he knows how much I care for him, but then he fuckin then comes home and starts taking the fucking steroids and drinking heavily again.
I just cant win.
And my kick ass girl Robin.. I love her SO MUCH. She's been through so much shit with me, ever since we were little lonely goth girls sitting out in gym, we bonded. And it's just fucking amazing to have that girl still in my life.
She's even saved my life before.. In 9th grade,
When I was robotripping, and stupid Mead mentioned killing ourselves. Fuckin idiot.
But Robin, yeh that bitch has been there through basically everything. I couldn't ask for a better best girl.
Unfortunately though, I feel partially responsible for getting ALL my old friends into hard drugs.
Cause well, to this day--
Everybody is still broken.
It's a hard thing to accept.
Then I go on, and blame my parents for being drug users and giving me oc's every fuckin time I asked.
Oc's today now go for 60 a piece.
What 13 yr old knows right from wrong? But oc's are serious pk's.
I know, I'm a fuckin idiot.
I honestly cannot think of a single friend that I did not enable.
I can't beat myself up for it forever, but I just look at them all today.. And it makes me kinda feel like shit.
Addicted than ever before,
Broken.
Well, all I can hope for all of them. Is that they all one day find clarity.
It's out of my hands.
I hope the same for me, but I'm not too hopeful.

There's a couple people in my life that are strong as hell, and they are amazing, and what a surprise.. They don't use. And I'm VERY lucky to have those few in my life.
It's hard to be judged, when I went from a strong, independent, hard working, spiritual, clean girl.. To basically a junkie..
In the blink of an eye.
To be called a junkie to my face, is like the shittiest thing ever.
I almost beat a few asses over it.
But who am I kidding.
Regardless, those people who believe in me-- Not saying they are wasting there time.. But damn is it hard to accept that I'm actually believed in at such a terrible terrible time in my life.

You know, I know deep down this shit will pass, but I can't do the one day at a time shit. It doesn't work, cause I'd rather think about one week or one month at a time so to speak.
Or am I just hopeful right now because, I don't even wonna say.
My friends got jealous that I had an oc.. That's were I'm different from them, because I just feel like a scumbag for having it.

Basically, even though I know I have a problem-- The truth always shines through, weither I'm on something or not.
Something like busts through that shitty barrier and says "hey, you're getting through some of the shittiest parts of your life.. Right fuckin now." And even though it hurts to have been fuckin abused for years, and was under the impression that that is what love felt like most of the time.. And had a miscarriage and just years of confusing bullshit.
I am so thankful that today, I don't have to be in those situations. I am lonely yes, but I'd rather be alone and have my eyes opened finally than to deal with such crappy people of this world.
I am just so thankful not to be thrown on the ground from my neck today.
Or ever fucking again.

I was going to go to the hospital again for my chest, it's such a pain to be sick in so many ways.
But! What was so awesome was my dad mentioned the Warlock tonight and I was like OH WORD?
So, maybe I just might have something to look forward to on my birthday,
Maybe it wont suck so bad like these past yrs have?
Since well, I have my friends back. And that means almost as much as that guitar. lol.
No but really,
I have few amazing people in my life,
But damn, are they amazing.
AND the new L word came out tonight, yeh I know. I'm rollin wit my homies.

Well, almost time for the 1972 Documentary of the Manson Murders.
aiiiiggghht than pce.

The MASSIVE come down.

“I told you I'd never say goodbye.

Now I'm slipping on the tears you've made me cry.

Why does it come as a surprise?

To think that I was so naive.

Maybe it didn't mean so much,

But it meant everything to me."

So idk, I made a private post yesteday because its very embarrassing the way my life has been.
It's shameful and depressing and it makes me hate myself. Oh, and I finally made it to my dad's.

Questions for the night:
Why does life suck so bad?
Why do I exist?
Why did shit end up this way?
Why am I so fucking confused?
Why is it that I've turned into someone I hate?
Why do I feel like I'm not where I'm suppose to be?
And..
WHY DON'T I HAVE A FUCKING WARLOCK SO I CAN FUCKING FEEL THAT FUCKING RUSH AND ADRENALINE OF MAKING A BEAUTIFUL FUCKING INANIMATE OBJECT SOUND SO MOTHER FUCKING BAD ASS???
Maybe coping would be different.

Guess I'm always wanting something I can never have, right?

In a room full of ugliness..

"I took care of you.
NOW YOU DON'T FUCKING TAKE CARE OF ME."

so, i cant get a hold of my dad-- and that's very bad.

i figured out, that i need to get my guitar and violin back at my mom's house, or move back to dads, don't got a clue.
and, i need another guitar, i need two.
i need to get this shit together.
I'm pretty pissed about a lot of things.
idk.

Ive been listening to nin religiously like i used to, its so therapeutic.
when i was younger life was so simple.
gettin stoned+great below=pwn.
but i don't smoke pot anymore,
but it made life seem so simple..
i hate waking up feeling dead.
its quite depressing.
I'd do anything to be simple again..
i need to find a way.

when i have children they're gonna be little metal heads.
with all the love in this world,
rockin heavy fuckin metal.
and playing instruments, skateboarding, and everything i wanted to do when i was little but was not allowed to.
they'll be lovin there lives.

Bye, Bye, Bye

So,
my doctor just cut me off my anxiety medication that ive been on for two whole years.
What am I honestly suppose to do?

I forgot my Walmart pin #.
damn it.


Today really isn't going my way..
Well, i did watch step brothers today.. like half way through until my parade got TOTALLY RAINED ON, and it actually is hilarious especially the part where the guy goes "that's so funny the last time i heard that i fell off my dinosaur!" rofl.
honestly, everything I've seen is awesome and i am shocked that i liked it, cause i usually do not enjoy comedies, so. yeh.

I might go to my dads tonight,
we shall see.
I love him and I'm so incredibly thankful i have him in my life like i do and he honestly is consistently good. And I can't wait to get my tattoo for him.

Blah x 100000000000

Train wrecks..

"Sorry is bullshit. Sorry is when you step on someone's toe, not when you crush them and chew them up and spit them out.
I never wanted to love somebody this much,
I was fine before I met you."
Jodi- The L Word

Yeh, so that's how i'm feeling right now.
will explain in a different post,
i've been crying for hours on end..
and basically i have no strength in me to discuss.

I've been reading my Bible all day to find a moment of clarity.
Started highlighting things, something that i should have started long ago.
Mostly in Psalms.
This urge to get closer to God is about the loss of loved ones, and the loss of my baby.
And it's incredibly hard.. And God is the only one right now that could take my suffering away.
IF THAT'S EVEN POSSIBLE.