Beau

he is heaven.
he is hell.
he is god.
he is satan.
he is a lover.
he is a user.
he is past.
he is recent.
he is love.
he is hate.
he is the friend.
he is the enemy.
he is pain.
he is pleasure.
he is a needle.
he is a arm.
he is a rush.
he is a pass.
he is a high.
and then he kills you.
his name is Heroin.
but still he fills you.

Orientation.

Me and dad made up, he apologized and it was very nice.
My new college is awesome, I'm incredibly proud of myself.
Unfortunately I'm ridiculously sick.
Like fuckin terrible.
I just want to cry..
I have so many things to do and I want so badly to just go out but I feel like I'm dying.
I'm very unhappy about it.

Human Relations.

Dad, I'm very hurt by the little amount of compassion you give me.. After everything I have done for you and your son, I cannot even call you without feeling like you will scream at me for things I haven't even done.. You hurt me so much by the things you have said over the past couple weeks and I can't believe you would look beyond the caring I've done for you and Joey, I compromised my own health and happiness for both of you, I even gave you my only cat to make you happy because I knew you loved her just as much as I do. I have truly done so much for you, I've lived with you and made you dinner and kept you company when you were destroyed about Joey's arrest.. I was there for you through everything and it kills me that you feel like material objects have a more impact on you than I do.. I don't care if Joey wants to harass me every day with threatening phone calls.. That is up to him but honestly I am getting incredibly bothered by it and it hurts me that material objects and kittens that he cannot take care of full time are more to him than everything I sacrificed for him this past month or two.. It just simply kills me that he now has no room for me in his life now that things are back to normal, but it's okay.. Because I guess I'm not wanted anymore. Is that it? I'm no longer wanted? Why do you put material objects before loving me? Why is it that one week you act like my father, and now my enemy? That is what hurts me the most, I don't care that much anymore about Joey, him showing that he loved me went just as fast as it came, but you have been my dad my whole life and I thought you needed me and I thought you loved me. I just thought you loved me.. I don't want you to e-mail me back if you are going to be negative.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I didn't send it to him because the amount of drugs he's been taking will make me..
Well, appear meaningless.
Invisible..
I'm not going to cry for him tonight.
I'm not going to give him my energy when he's not giving me his.
I just pray that he is well, and I do forgive him-- For he is not a perfect man..
He is just as sick as he is a wonderful person..
It's just sometimes I need to distance my heart from parents with drug addictions.
This is just something I've dealt with a lot most of my life, but with my father-- It's much harder.

I've been feeling odd lately with a lot of this stress about school and my family that I'm finding myself taking way to many kpins that I should be taking.
I had a bad episode two weeks ago finding shit in my room that led me to tears and I just guess I was really hooked, right?
Sometimes I wish I was still like that so I didn't feel anything.. But when I feel happiness, I'm grateful for what I have, and what I don't have.
This pill thing just sucks, I hate needing them to stabilize me.
It makes me feel like my mind is in chains.
I don't know.

On a good note Patrick and I just watched Romeo and Juliet and it was so romantic and cute and of course I cried half the time.
Bill's pretty straight up.
Him and his family as with my mom and grandma are incredibly happy with what happened at school today, I'm not so thrilled but trust me.. It's my fucking mind that's playing the sad game. I really really should be proud,
two jobs, an internship, and a successful manageable class schedule.
It'll get better I guess.
I'm just not happy at all, and I really should be.
I just wish so badly that Patrick was a part of it.
I don't know how I'm going to do it on my own.
Alone.
Fuck.
Help me klonipin.
Is it breakdown time again?
OH,
got my health insurance as well too today.
I'm ready for MEDS.
And.... Counseling.
I guess.



At least I'm rather in love.
<3

Confession of a broken heart - Lindsay Lohan

Feelin' kinda real..

My little babies!
They're growing up so fast..
Other than my sweetheart, these little one's get a whole lot of love from me.. I just love them all so much, especially Pepper. <3 So I enrolled in a new college today and I've been crying every since because I hate the fact that Pat wont be with me this time.. It's only a couple days but It's fuckin lame. I have such hope for our future though, that I must do this..
For us,
and everything that we are.
I'll have my degree in less than a year, so I hope I chill out and realize this is ALL for the best, and not to be scared of being alone in class..
It's for learning, not kissing and being the hot gamer couple.. I guess..
I've been having serious anxiety attacks this past week but very bad today, and the kpins aren't working that well.. It's not fun not being able to breathe..
Anyways, I need to sleep.
Mom is so on my fucking nerves.
I ask for one piece of important paperwork and it's just too hard for her. Ugh.
Whatever, I love my fiance..
My heart is full.

And I'm rockin the hype shit. Always.

Slaughter - Royce Da 59"

This ring..

So.
I'm engaged now.
Life couldn't be better.
Life couldn't have changed so abruptly.
For the better better.
I found a house too, for Pat and I.
I'm in the process of talking to the owner's for renting information.
It's so beautiful inside, we deserve a starter home, not a starter apartment.
So we'll see. <3>

Like Yeah - Tech N9ne

To die for.

Well.. Waiting for my ring feels like an eternity! Even working so much doesn't take my mind off of it, I might get a second job, so everything is more secure for me. It feels incredibly good to feel like everything's back to the way it used to be, but better. Patrick and I are at the same place emotionally and with what we want to do with our lives, were both saving and paying off bills so we can move on and move in! It's so cute to see dedication, and commitment. My whole world comes together when we're both truly happy. The ring and the engagement just means everything to me and being told "pick out your favorite" just absolutely made me feel like a princess, like everything I know I deserve. And I do absolutely deserve this, for my commitment to him all these years and taking care of him and his heart and loving him to death, no matter what. I wish I could do more for him, but I'm not quite sure how cause I already do a lot. Well when we live together, I will be able to take care of him better, that's about it. I miss living with him, but it's worth the wait. After the engagement which will be next week most likely-- All depending if my ring comes in on time.. For the party I'm hoping for house stuff, like gift cards, and blankets from Aunt Val, and like appliances. It's going to be super fun.. I can't even believe It's happening finally.. I'm extremely happy about a lot of things.. Relieved as well.
I've been spending so much time with his family again and it's just wonderful. His brother's are so awesome and love me genuinely and his parents buy me random presents, and Aunt Val is adorable and makes me biscotti, and not to mention the Easter basket Patrick is getting me, like him and his family just take care of me in ways that I can't, they're there for me emotionally like parents are always suppose to be and like it's just so good to have them back, for good. No matter what, I refuse to live my life without his family in mine.
Patrick and I have been going to the bookstore like almost daily, and it's so much fun-- Patrick usually reads big nerdy books and I usually read either manga or a cooking and/or bridal magazine. And always do we get like 4 drinks from Seattle's. That is a must. We're going right after I pick him up from work tonight. We have a book on hold, then we'll probably go to my grandma's and then grocery shopping.
Anyways, so I've been spending a lot of time with Joey, it's been great. He really appreciates all I've been doing for him.
I also assisted the pregnant kitty with her birth, and she gave birth to three healthy beautiful kittens-- Who just opened there eyes today! They are just dolls, my favorite is the white one. She isn't going anywhere!
<3>

my love - the dream ft mariah carey

Rather unique.

He took me ring shopping.
Although I don't know exactly when he'll give it to me,
and it has to be sized smaller,
It's the ring I've always wanted.

I'm so happy..

My Love - Justin Timberlake

Under the law..

I'm not quite sure, how to feel at this moment.
I can't deal with like anything successfully anymore.
Nothing works.
There is something wrong with my arm,
I haven't even used in 5 days.
I might need to go to the hospital.
Maybe after I find out if Joey's going to serve jail time in 3 days.

This is all bullshit.
I fucking hate everything.

I'm so upset with Patrick,
I'm so upset with Joey.
I just fucking hate everything right now.
I'm all out of tears..

Just To Be Different - Joe Budden

Never..

OKAY! Just a head's up on my part,
don't fucking load up on xanax and painkillers the night before i need to do something.
I swear I would not have even opened my eyes if Patrick were not here.
Much less even move.
So that, was very very stupid.
I had to make a huge pot of coffee just so I can function properly and yet,
I still can barely feel NORMAL.
SHIT!
At least I'm in a pleasant mood..
Other than the heroin withdrawal, ha!
Nothing a few more codeine can't fix,
other than the pain in my ovary that I just simply cannot explain,
but hey, this shit always happens to me.
So I'm really not surprised.

When I went to sleep I like doused my cuts and track marks in vitamin E cream..
Doesn't look like it's working!
But luckily Patrick is well aware that I want to cut out the needles for a while because well,
I fuckin need to and it's just absolutely just getting ridiculous an it's just a worthless way of living..
And a worthless way to spend hard earned money..
Especially when you fuckin get robbed.

And yet..
I still want to throw everything away sometimes.
I want to shove a fucking needle in my vein and never wake up.
I don't understand addiction sometimes.
I really don't.
I don't understand why something so bad feels so good.
It's struggling with good and evil,
and why does God fucking give me things, and then take them away?
My heart just fucking breaks, all the time.. For what I do.
What's the fucking sense in trying really, if you always get shut down in some sort of way..
Life shuts you out..
Life fucks you up..
Sometimes, life is better lived when you don't feel alive at all.
I have cottons next to me in a syringe.
From the other night when we did pepsi shit.
Which was bomb shit.
So im highly tempted to do it.
And what addict can just looked at heroin caked cottons..
Which was why Patrick threw my stash out..
But they never go away!!

I'm sitting here listening to my mom half awake half asleep.
I have no idea what she is on today, but God I just wish this wasn't my life anymore..
Why isn't even my own mother sober, and why should I be if I must endure it.
Sometimes I wonder why God prolongs her suffering.
Why do I have to listen to her mumble to herself and set shit on fire every fucking day?
I. Hate. My. Life.
The only good thing in it is Patrick, and he's sick himself.
It's like I never ever win.
I need to get high I cannot handle this, or I just need Patrick by my side..
I need to talk to him, he gives me so much strength.
And we understand each other completely.
I couldn't ask for a better half.


*
I never thought I'd live my life with a needle in my arm.
I never meant to treat loved ones this way,
or cause any person harm.
I never could have saw myself being a junkie at 19.
I sometimes wish that when I open my eyes all this would be a dream.
I never imagined that I would do what I have done just to get high.
I never wanted addiction to be a reason I could die.
I never planned on throwing my life completely down the drain.
I never took the time to think what I was getting myself into.
So Never say Never because you may be like me living a life,
I Never wanted to be.
*

Lost In You - Olivia Broadfield

Momentum

Okay.
So, I've been watching Kevin Cooney's Life in Tokyo basically all day..
And it's absolutely awesome, I'm so happy I found his site!
That's definitely motivation.. For so many reasons.. I can't even explain all of them.
I decided to blog because well, Patrick took a xanax and passed the f out.
He's a lightweight when it comes to those, and I told him he was gonna go to sleep,
but no, he always knows im right.. But he's just silly and stubborn.
We actually had a great night together though,
we watched Akira, which was our very very first anime we ever watched together years ago--
That basically started our huge anime binge.
So it was adorable to watch again together.
I'm so happy that we haven't used needles in two days, it gives me so much hope for the future and I just cannot wait to pick up where I left off..
Success!
More so, overcoming one of the biggest kinds of addictions in the world.
This is something that I have been waiting for, pretty much for a long time.
I promised Patrick I will start going to his house when my arms are healed.
I can't even go to my fathers house knowing im hiding something,
so it's even worse with his family..
Cause they're just amazing. And I love them very much.

Uh, I don't know.
It'll be hard because I'm in withdrawal and I'm fighting very very hard, and I have to keep my head up.
Otherwise I will keep going backwards,
and that's never ever what I wanted to do.
I was questioned about God last night.. By a very special person..
And all I can say about that is well,
He gives you the tools to do right.
And it's not Him that makes you do wrong,
it simply isn't.
So never question Him.
He's not "magical".
He does however work in very mysterious ways that's for sure..
I thank him everyday for what I've been given.
And I don't think without his guidance I would be here today.
So to that person,
It isn't He who sticks that needle in your arm..

I'm so thankful for so many things, and people.
Why am I doing this to myself.
I wasn't born to do this,
I was born for much greater things.
And God It feels so good to FINALLY realize that,
after so long of feeling nothing at all.

It's not the xanax talking.
It's me, knowing exactly what I need to do to get back to what I used to be.
And go much farther.

I still have animosity towards somebody..
And anger.
And pain.
And regret.
All I can do is pray for it to subside.
Everybody makes mistakes..
They do.
Everyone is human..
I've made mistakes I can't even speak of it hurts too much..
But nothing can compare to what I have been through.

Today is a new day, a new year, a new everything.
I'm grateful that we all get new chances, to do better, to heal..
and that's what I look forward to.
I have the love of my life back.
The one I can share my world with, every single interest, every moment, every day, it's a blessing.
I know it's been tough.. Very.
But everything happens for a reason..
And when everything seems impossible,
He just manages to make it possible,
I know I love him way way way too much.
But, every time he tells me about the rest of our lives,
I feel like my world is back together, somehow.
Everything makes sense.
That is the most important thing of all.
Thank Goodness.

For a closing statement,
Taffy is bomb.
愛

Mad (Trance Remix) [iB] - Ne-Yo