I'd give up forever..

..To touch you.


Well, its almost 8am and i woke up to Patrick snoring louddddly, he does that. its so annoying.
I took a sleeper, i just wonna chill.
Last night wasn't such a party, we both missed lol.
it was so beat! My junkie self cried.
Uh well idk I'm just sitting here looking at him sleep peacefully, and I still cannot believe he's back.
Its fuckin crazy.
I need a damn cigarette.
You know, I drilled it in my head that he was never comming back in my life.
And then boom.. Speechless.
It's just like wow, I have something i thought I'd never have back.
I cannot wait to see his family.
I'm going to give Kevin the biggest hug ever.
I have no idea what to say right now..
I'm just thinking about this moment.
Treasuring every second.

Oh yeh..
Robin went to the E.R.
She was peeing blood.
I'm worried about her and I hope she's okay.
Blah.

Reruns all become our history,
don't they?

Dead And Gone [Feat. Justin Timberlake] - T.I.

Things falling apart.

i find myself holding a tissue tightly against my arm and realize that fuckin life..
what the fuck is this anymore?
how did i let myself get to this point?
how am i letting the most important people that's ever been in my life go down the fucking tube with me?
Jesus..
this is all so insane,
im sitting here looking down at my track marks and WISH just like 9 of them would go away.
i have a fucking doctors appointment tomorrow and im going to have to miss it.
today was the first time i missed my vein.
i was in such bad withdrawal and i was shaking so i accidentally missed, so i didn't get my rush.
its okay though, not in withdrawal anymore.
I've been too high to even type for like 4 or 5 days now.
I'm so confused, i can't even bring myself to think about tomorrow all i can think about is today and how much money i can get.
I'm so happy and relieved that Patrick is back in my life again, but i had no idea that it would be like this.
I thought that if he were ever to be in my life again, he would condemn me for using.
and that could not be farther than what happened.
He is worried about me.
But now he knows how it feels.
Robin is a fucking mess, shes rinsing out bags and injecting them.
Jesus, how did we let it get to this?
I'm so sad.
I even cry when I'm high.
Last night i cried to Pat because this is all just a mess!
Like it's like a fucking movie.
Us four junkies.
Actually, that is a movie-- Requiem For a Dream.
Which i refused to watch, because its all so fucking true now.
I'm so caught in my addiction and Pat that I can give a fuck about my other friends.
I'm scared that were going to die together.
We take it too far,
all of us are.
He doesn't have a good heart to be doing this,
nobody else knows this!
I feel like a terrible person.
If he dies I swear I have no idea what I would do.

Ugh, well i only have to wait like 20 more minutes til he's here--
Which means no more withdrawal, and me having a happy, painless night.
It's just us tonight, thank goodness, all the people sometimes makes me like paranoid that my shit will be jumped.
I love my addiction, I love my friends, I fucking love him.
It's me that i hate..

Heartless.

-------------------------------------
P R E - B I R T H D A Y * B L O G :
-------------------------------------

So, well today is suppose to be a BIIIG day in the life of... Me.
Me and my mom going to get my birthday cake and munchies in a little bit,
and then Allison's comming over and then we're most likely going to Corey's.
Then, we prob gonna chill there for a bit and then come back here and get Robin's ass over and whoever elses,
like I'm pretty sure Mike might bring some ppl.
I really don't care as long as I got my ppl.
I'm happy,
rollin' wit my homies.
I'm pretty fuckin hyped and I've taken like what, 4 sleepers and I still cannot sleep lol,
I'm too excited.
I can't wait to see my friends and family and get super super high and just..
BE HAPPY.
Fuck, yes.
It's about time I started to feel a little better.
Hm.. What to do...
Take a shower?
Bake some muffins?
Text message Robby?
Go insane?
All of the above?





<3>

Heartless (Remastered - Kanye West

You've won, again.

I get home from school
I feel high from hunger
I've only had water today
I've been doing so well
I put down my bag
And walk down the hall
The kitchen is calling my name
I feel my self-control waver
I can't ignore it
I open the cupboard
And reach for the cookies
I freeze with the bag in my hand
Ana is screaming at me
I continue to open the bag
And pull out the thing I really want
I take a nervous bite
It just tastes so good
Ana is furious
I know I should stop
But it's harder than it sounds
I was strong yesterday
But I was weak today
I know I'm fat
And that cookie was a mistake
I run to the bathroom
Lock the door
Turn on the taps
And drop to my knees
I don't want to do this
But I don't have a choice
I put my fingers down my throat
Once I start I know I can't stop
Today is the day Ana and Mia meets again
They have been a very close friend
In my quest to be thin

You're the reason why I'm thinkin..

WHO'S GOT OC CONNECTS?
ASHLEY AND ROBIN DOIN' IT UP BITCH.
FUCK YES!

Soooooooo,
It's 9:30am and I haven't slept yet, obviously.
I spent at least 3 hours doing my nails,
I painted them black, just like my heart. Bwahahah.
Emo bitch represent.
My mom, Lynn, and I chatted it up all night basically-- It rocked pretty hard.

I spent a lot of years being whipped.
I can't believe I'm turning 20, and I feel like my teenage years went to fucking shit.
I'm not even talking about the drug use, that's nothing compared to the bullshit I've been through.
Guys fucking suck, I should have never wasted my time.
Like what the hell dude fir real.
Why....?
Well love changes people into thinking dreams come true.
NOT.
Die, Fags.
Whatever, fuck em.
I'm living now.
And it feels amazing.
Maybe I'm living in a way that I shouldn't be but,
nobody's going to control me,
ever again.
So fuck it,
bitch.

Anyways,
so I went back to my mom's house last night,
and I'm glad cause my mom takes care of me like no fuckin other and I would die without her in my life.
She is the greatest human being,
she sees things for how they are,
and not how they should be.
She sees me for who I really am,
and not for what or who I should be.
She knows my potential and,
she dares not judge me for my flaws or imperfections.
She is the perfect mother,
though she thinks differently because of mistakes she has made in her life,
but I see her the way she see's me..
Perfect.
I'm grateful, truly.
I wish she knew exactly how much she means to me,
she might have an idea.
But not even I can put it into words.

StonedErrr: yeah we can go there together after we do the killing, ill be pablo and you can be maria
StonedErrr: the waves always kick my ass
StonedErrr: yeah it is fun
princess c x n t: aren't u afraid of sharks
StonedErrr: hell yes
princess c x n t: ahahah
StonedErrr: i don't wanna get eaten by a giant fish
StonedErrr: fuck that
princess c x n t: this is true rofl
princess c x n t: lol dude that sucks for ppl that do
princess c x n t: what a shitty way to go
StonedErrr: yeah
princess c x n t: for serious
StonedErrr: im part Japanese that's my worst fear
StonedErrr: is some giant fish to come out and seek revenge
princess c x n t: LOL
So, having crazy friends rocks. :)

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh im so tired.
What's the sense of sleeping.
If I pass out I'm gonna be pissed.
NEED COFFEE.


I miss someone very special......
Special ed.
okbyeeeeeeee.
;)



Damn, aint it crazy when you're love swept?