Things falling apart.

i find myself holding a tissue tightly against my arm and realize that fuckin life..
what the fuck is this anymore?
how did i let myself get to this point?
how am i letting the most important people that's ever been in my life go down the fucking tube with me?
Jesus..
this is all so insane,
im sitting here looking down at my track marks and WISH just like 9 of them would go away.
i have a fucking doctors appointment tomorrow and im going to have to miss it.
today was the first time i missed my vein.
i was in such bad withdrawal and i was shaking so i accidentally missed, so i didn't get my rush.
its okay though, not in withdrawal anymore.
I've been too high to even type for like 4 or 5 days now.
I'm so confused, i can't even bring myself to think about tomorrow all i can think about is today and how much money i can get.
I'm so happy and relieved that Patrick is back in my life again, but i had no idea that it would be like this.
I thought that if he were ever to be in my life again, he would condemn me for using.
and that could not be farther than what happened.
He is worried about me.
But now he knows how it feels.
Robin is a fucking mess, shes rinsing out bags and injecting them.
Jesus, how did we let it get to this?
I'm so sad.
I even cry when I'm high.
Last night i cried to Pat because this is all just a mess!
Like it's like a fucking movie.
Us four junkies.
Actually, that is a movie-- Requiem For a Dream.
Which i refused to watch, because its all so fucking true now.
I'm so caught in my addiction and Pat that I can give a fuck about my other friends.
I'm scared that were going to die together.
We take it too far,
all of us are.
He doesn't have a good heart to be doing this,
nobody else knows this!
I feel like a terrible person.
If he dies I swear I have no idea what I would do.

Ugh, well i only have to wait like 20 more minutes til he's here--
Which means no more withdrawal, and me having a happy, painless night.
It's just us tonight, thank goodness, all the people sometimes makes me like paranoid that my shit will be jumped.
I love my addiction, I love my friends, I fucking love him.
It's me that i hate..