Rather unique.

He took me ring shopping.
Although I don't know exactly when he'll give it to me,
and it has to be sized smaller,
It's the ring I've always wanted.

I'm so happy..

My Love - Justin Timberlake

Under the law..

I'm not quite sure, how to feel at this moment.
I can't deal with like anything successfully anymore.
Nothing works.
There is something wrong with my arm,
I haven't even used in 5 days.
I might need to go to the hospital.
Maybe after I find out if Joey's going to serve jail time in 3 days.

This is all bullshit.
I fucking hate everything.

I'm so upset with Patrick,
I'm so upset with Joey.
I just fucking hate everything right now.
I'm all out of tears..

Just To Be Different - Joe Budden

Never..

OKAY! Just a head's up on my part,
don't fucking load up on xanax and painkillers the night before i need to do something.
I swear I would not have even opened my eyes if Patrick were not here.
Much less even move.
So that, was very very stupid.
I had to make a huge pot of coffee just so I can function properly and yet,
I still can barely feel NORMAL.
SHIT!
At least I'm in a pleasant mood..
Other than the heroin withdrawal, ha!
Nothing a few more codeine can't fix,
other than the pain in my ovary that I just simply cannot explain,
but hey, this shit always happens to me.
So I'm really not surprised.

When I went to sleep I like doused my cuts and track marks in vitamin E cream..
Doesn't look like it's working!
But luckily Patrick is well aware that I want to cut out the needles for a while because well,
I fuckin need to and it's just absolutely just getting ridiculous an it's just a worthless way of living..
And a worthless way to spend hard earned money..
Especially when you fuckin get robbed.

And yet..
I still want to throw everything away sometimes.
I want to shove a fucking needle in my vein and never wake up.
I don't understand addiction sometimes.
I really don't.
I don't understand why something so bad feels so good.
It's struggling with good and evil,
and why does God fucking give me things, and then take them away?
My heart just fucking breaks, all the time.. For what I do.
What's the fucking sense in trying really, if you always get shut down in some sort of way..
Life shuts you out..
Life fucks you up..
Sometimes, life is better lived when you don't feel alive at all.
I have cottons next to me in a syringe.
From the other night when we did pepsi shit.
Which was bomb shit.
So im highly tempted to do it.
And what addict can just looked at heroin caked cottons..
Which was why Patrick threw my stash out..
But they never go away!!

I'm sitting here listening to my mom half awake half asleep.
I have no idea what she is on today, but God I just wish this wasn't my life anymore..
Why isn't even my own mother sober, and why should I be if I must endure it.
Sometimes I wonder why God prolongs her suffering.
Why do I have to listen to her mumble to herself and set shit on fire every fucking day?
I. Hate. My. Life.
The only good thing in it is Patrick, and he's sick himself.
It's like I never ever win.
I need to get high I cannot handle this, or I just need Patrick by my side..
I need to talk to him, he gives me so much strength.
And we understand each other completely.
I couldn't ask for a better half.


*
I never thought I'd live my life with a needle in my arm.
I never meant to treat loved ones this way,
or cause any person harm.
I never could have saw myself being a junkie at 19.
I sometimes wish that when I open my eyes all this would be a dream.
I never imagined that I would do what I have done just to get high.
I never wanted addiction to be a reason I could die.
I never planned on throwing my life completely down the drain.
I never took the time to think what I was getting myself into.
So Never say Never because you may be like me living a life,
I Never wanted to be.
*

Lost In You - Olivia Broadfield

Momentum

Okay.
So, I've been watching Kevin Cooney's Life in Tokyo basically all day..
And it's absolutely awesome, I'm so happy I found his site!
That's definitely motivation.. For so many reasons.. I can't even explain all of them.
I decided to blog because well, Patrick took a xanax and passed the f out.
He's a lightweight when it comes to those, and I told him he was gonna go to sleep,
but no, he always knows im right.. But he's just silly and stubborn.
We actually had a great night together though,
we watched Akira, which was our very very first anime we ever watched together years ago--
That basically started our huge anime binge.
So it was adorable to watch again together.
I'm so happy that we haven't used needles in two days, it gives me so much hope for the future and I just cannot wait to pick up where I left off..
Success!
More so, overcoming one of the biggest kinds of addictions in the world.
This is something that I have been waiting for, pretty much for a long time.
I promised Patrick I will start going to his house when my arms are healed.
I can't even go to my fathers house knowing im hiding something,
so it's even worse with his family..
Cause they're just amazing. And I love them very much.

Uh, I don't know.
It'll be hard because I'm in withdrawal and I'm fighting very very hard, and I have to keep my head up.
Otherwise I will keep going backwards,
and that's never ever what I wanted to do.
I was questioned about God last night.. By a very special person..
And all I can say about that is well,
He gives you the tools to do right.
And it's not Him that makes you do wrong,
it simply isn't.
So never question Him.
He's not "magical".
He does however work in very mysterious ways that's for sure..
I thank him everyday for what I've been given.
And I don't think without his guidance I would be here today.
So to that person,
It isn't He who sticks that needle in your arm..

I'm so thankful for so many things, and people.
Why am I doing this to myself.
I wasn't born to do this,
I was born for much greater things.
And God It feels so good to FINALLY realize that,
after so long of feeling nothing at all.

It's not the xanax talking.
It's me, knowing exactly what I need to do to get back to what I used to be.
And go much farther.

I still have animosity towards somebody..
And anger.
And pain.
And regret.
All I can do is pray for it to subside.
Everybody makes mistakes..
They do.
Everyone is human..
I've made mistakes I can't even speak of it hurts too much..
But nothing can compare to what I have been through.

Today is a new day, a new year, a new everything.
I'm grateful that we all get new chances, to do better, to heal..
and that's what I look forward to.
I have the love of my life back.
The one I can share my world with, every single interest, every moment, every day, it's a blessing.
I know it's been tough.. Very.
But everything happens for a reason..
And when everything seems impossible,
He just manages to make it possible,
I know I love him way way way too much.
But, every time he tells me about the rest of our lives,
I feel like my world is back together, somehow.
Everything makes sense.
That is the most important thing of all.
Thank Goodness.

For a closing statement,
Taffy is bomb.
愛

Mad (Trance Remix) [iB] - Ne-Yo

In the rain..

I don't know..
I've been feeling utterly disconnected from everything lately.
Like, nothing feels real anymore.
Everyday I just think about getting high and seeing Patrick.
It makes me sad.
I love being loved and stuff, but I wish I had more to my life, I wish I could get clean for just one fucking week so I could get the job I have wanted for so long.
But, no.
I can't.
I miss how controlled my life used to be,
I miss school, and my jobs.
I miss responsibility and accomplishment.
I miss all that AND having Patrick by my side during every moment.
But we get high..
Were not working towards anything together.
He has his job and he wants me to work there again, but I don't want to coach anymore really.
I don't know what I want to do anymore.
My future seems like a massive blur and I have no idea if im going to be alive or married with children in 10 years.
I don't even know that.
I want to be successful with him.
I don't feel like slacking anymore, that isn't who I am.
I fell through this terrible hole and every time I think I've almost reached the top of it, I fall flat on my face with a needle in my arm.
And then I say to myself, what did you expect?
I want my old life back more than anything!
Me and Patrick could have been graduating in one more semester and I could have been a receptionist and working towards being an admin and the damn school for God's sake.
It's all gone..
That sense of accomplishment is nonexistent, and I can't really remember the last time I felt that and I want to feel that so badly..
Instead all I do is get high and plan for my next one,
and at the same time talk about how good my life is going to be one day.
I'm scared about things I can't even type.
I'm sad.
I am grateful to have him back in my life..
I truly am.
But I want our good, no lying and feeling like shit to parents, everyday striving life back.
I need that..
Before I die.

I'm scared.
I wish I never picked up that fucking needle.
Today could have been different.
Instead today I'm everything I used to hate..
And much much more,
because it's me.