Never..

OKAY! Just a head's up on my part,
don't fucking load up on xanax and painkillers the night before i need to do something.
I swear I would not have even opened my eyes if Patrick were not here.
Much less even move.
So that, was very very stupid.
I had to make a huge pot of coffee just so I can function properly and yet,
I still can barely feel NORMAL.
SHIT!
At least I'm in a pleasant mood..
Other than the heroin withdrawal, ha!
Nothing a few more codeine can't fix,
other than the pain in my ovary that I just simply cannot explain,
but hey, this shit always happens to me.
So I'm really not surprised.

When I went to sleep I like doused my cuts and track marks in vitamin E cream..
Doesn't look like it's working!
But luckily Patrick is well aware that I want to cut out the needles for a while because well,
I fuckin need to and it's just absolutely just getting ridiculous an it's just a worthless way of living..
And a worthless way to spend hard earned money..
Especially when you fuckin get robbed.

And yet..
I still want to throw everything away sometimes.
I want to shove a fucking needle in my vein and never wake up.
I don't understand addiction sometimes.
I really don't.
I don't understand why something so bad feels so good.
It's struggling with good and evil,
and why does God fucking give me things, and then take them away?
My heart just fucking breaks, all the time.. For what I do.
What's the fucking sense in trying really, if you always get shut down in some sort of way..
Life shuts you out..
Life fucks you up..
Sometimes, life is better lived when you don't feel alive at all.
I have cottons next to me in a syringe.
From the other night when we did pepsi shit.
Which was bomb shit.
So im highly tempted to do it.
And what addict can just looked at heroin caked cottons..
Which was why Patrick threw my stash out..
But they never go away!!

I'm sitting here listening to my mom half awake half asleep.
I have no idea what she is on today, but God I just wish this wasn't my life anymore..
Why isn't even my own mother sober, and why should I be if I must endure it.
Sometimes I wonder why God prolongs her suffering.
Why do I have to listen to her mumble to herself and set shit on fire every fucking day?
I. Hate. My. Life.
The only good thing in it is Patrick, and he's sick himself.
It's like I never ever win.
I need to get high I cannot handle this, or I just need Patrick by my side..
I need to talk to him, he gives me so much strength.
And we understand each other completely.
I couldn't ask for a better half.


*
I never thought I'd live my life with a needle in my arm.
I never meant to treat loved ones this way,
or cause any person harm.
I never could have saw myself being a junkie at 19.
I sometimes wish that when I open my eyes all this would be a dream.
I never imagined that I would do what I have done just to get high.
I never wanted addiction to be a reason I could die.
I never planned on throwing my life completely down the drain.
I never took the time to think what I was getting myself into.
So Never say Never because you may be like me living a life,
I Never wanted to be.
*

Lost In You - Olivia Broadfield