Human Relations.

Dad, I'm very hurt by the little amount of compassion you give me.. After everything I have done for you and your son, I cannot even call you without feeling like you will scream at me for things I haven't even done.. You hurt me so much by the things you have said over the past couple weeks and I can't believe you would look beyond the caring I've done for you and Joey, I compromised my own health and happiness for both of you, I even gave you my only cat to make you happy because I knew you loved her just as much as I do. I have truly done so much for you, I've lived with you and made you dinner and kept you company when you were destroyed about Joey's arrest.. I was there for you through everything and it kills me that you feel like material objects have a more impact on you than I do.. I don't care if Joey wants to harass me every day with threatening phone calls.. That is up to him but honestly I am getting incredibly bothered by it and it hurts me that material objects and kittens that he cannot take care of full time are more to him than everything I sacrificed for him this past month or two.. It just simply kills me that he now has no room for me in his life now that things are back to normal, but it's okay.. Because I guess I'm not wanted anymore. Is that it? I'm no longer wanted? Why do you put material objects before loving me? Why is it that one week you act like my father, and now my enemy? That is what hurts me the most, I don't care that much anymore about Joey, him showing that he loved me went just as fast as it came, but you have been my dad my whole life and I thought you needed me and I thought you loved me. I just thought you loved me.. I don't want you to e-mail me back if you are going to be negative.
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I didn't send it to him because the amount of drugs he's been taking will make me..
Well, appear meaningless.
Invisible..
I'm not going to cry for him tonight.
I'm not going to give him my energy when he's not giving me his.
I just pray that he is well, and I do forgive him-- For he is not a perfect man..
He is just as sick as he is a wonderful person..
It's just sometimes I need to distance my heart from parents with drug addictions.
This is just something I've dealt with a lot most of my life, but with my father-- It's much harder.

I've been feeling odd lately with a lot of this stress about school and my family that I'm finding myself taking way to many kpins that I should be taking.
I had a bad episode two weeks ago finding shit in my room that led me to tears and I just guess I was really hooked, right?
Sometimes I wish I was still like that so I didn't feel anything.. But when I feel happiness, I'm grateful for what I have, and what I don't have.
This pill thing just sucks, I hate needing them to stabilize me.
It makes me feel like my mind is in chains.
I don't know.

On a good note Patrick and I just watched Romeo and Juliet and it was so romantic and cute and of course I cried half the time.
Bill's pretty straight up.
Him and his family as with my mom and grandma are incredibly happy with what happened at school today, I'm not so thrilled but trust me.. It's my fucking mind that's playing the sad game. I really really should be proud,
two jobs, an internship, and a successful manageable class schedule.
It'll get better I guess.
I'm just not happy at all, and I really should be.
I just wish so badly that Patrick was a part of it.
I don't know how I'm going to do it on my own.
Alone.
Fuck.
Help me klonipin.
Is it breakdown time again?
OH,
got my health insurance as well too today.
I'm ready for MEDS.
And.... Counseling.
I guess.



At least I'm rather in love.
<3

Confession of a broken heart - Lindsay Lohan

Feelin' kinda real..

My little babies!
They're growing up so fast..
Other than my sweetheart, these little one's get a whole lot of love from me.. I just love them all so much, especially Pepper. <3 So I enrolled in a new college today and I've been crying every since because I hate the fact that Pat wont be with me this time.. It's only a couple days but It's fuckin lame. I have such hope for our future though, that I must do this..
For us,
and everything that we are.
I'll have my degree in less than a year, so I hope I chill out and realize this is ALL for the best, and not to be scared of being alone in class..
It's for learning, not kissing and being the hot gamer couple.. I guess..
I've been having serious anxiety attacks this past week but very bad today, and the kpins aren't working that well.. It's not fun not being able to breathe..
Anyways, I need to sleep.
Mom is so on my fucking nerves.
I ask for one piece of important paperwork and it's just too hard for her. Ugh.
Whatever, I love my fiance..
My heart is full.

And I'm rockin the hype shit. Always.

Slaughter - Royce Da 59"

This ring..

So.
I'm engaged now.
Life couldn't be better.
Life couldn't have changed so abruptly.
For the better better.
I found a house too, for Pat and I.
I'm in the process of talking to the owner's for renting information.
It's so beautiful inside, we deserve a starter home, not a starter apartment.
So we'll see. <3>

Like Yeah - Tech N9ne

To die for.

Well.. Waiting for my ring feels like an eternity! Even working so much doesn't take my mind off of it, I might get a second job, so everything is more secure for me. It feels incredibly good to feel like everything's back to the way it used to be, but better. Patrick and I are at the same place emotionally and with what we want to do with our lives, were both saving and paying off bills so we can move on and move in! It's so cute to see dedication, and commitment. My whole world comes together when we're both truly happy. The ring and the engagement just means everything to me and being told "pick out your favorite" just absolutely made me feel like a princess, like everything I know I deserve. And I do absolutely deserve this, for my commitment to him all these years and taking care of him and his heart and loving him to death, no matter what. I wish I could do more for him, but I'm not quite sure how cause I already do a lot. Well when we live together, I will be able to take care of him better, that's about it. I miss living with him, but it's worth the wait. After the engagement which will be next week most likely-- All depending if my ring comes in on time.. For the party I'm hoping for house stuff, like gift cards, and blankets from Aunt Val, and like appliances. It's going to be super fun.. I can't even believe It's happening finally.. I'm extremely happy about a lot of things.. Relieved as well.
I've been spending so much time with his family again and it's just wonderful. His brother's are so awesome and love me genuinely and his parents buy me random presents, and Aunt Val is adorable and makes me biscotti, and not to mention the Easter basket Patrick is getting me, like him and his family just take care of me in ways that I can't, they're there for me emotionally like parents are always suppose to be and like it's just so good to have them back, for good. No matter what, I refuse to live my life without his family in mine.
Patrick and I have been going to the bookstore like almost daily, and it's so much fun-- Patrick usually reads big nerdy books and I usually read either manga or a cooking and/or bridal magazine. And always do we get like 4 drinks from Seattle's. That is a must. We're going right after I pick him up from work tonight. We have a book on hold, then we'll probably go to my grandma's and then grocery shopping.
Anyways, so I've been spending a lot of time with Joey, it's been great. He really appreciates all I've been doing for him.
I also assisted the pregnant kitty with her birth, and she gave birth to three healthy beautiful kittens-- Who just opened there eyes today! They are just dolls, my favorite is the white one. She isn't going anywhere!
<3>

my love - the dream ft mariah carey