Human Relations.

Dad, I'm very hurt by the little amount of compassion you give me.. After everything I have done for you and your son, I cannot even call you without feeling like you will scream at me for things I haven't even done.. You hurt me so much by the things you have said over the past couple weeks and I can't believe you would look beyond the caring I've done for you and Joey, I compromised my own health and happiness for both of you, I even gave you my only cat to make you happy because I knew you loved her just as much as I do. I have truly done so much for you, I've lived with you and made you dinner and kept you company when you were destroyed about Joey's arrest.. I was there for you through everything and it kills me that you feel like material objects have a more impact on you than I do.. I don't care if Joey wants to harass me every day with threatening phone calls.. That is up to him but honestly I am getting incredibly bothered by it and it hurts me that material objects and kittens that he cannot take care of full time are more to him than everything I sacrificed for him this past month or two.. It just simply kills me that he now has no room for me in his life now that things are back to normal, but it's okay.. Because I guess I'm not wanted anymore. Is that it? I'm no longer wanted? Why do you put material objects before loving me? Why is it that one week you act like my father, and now my enemy? That is what hurts me the most, I don't care that much anymore about Joey, him showing that he loved me went just as fast as it came, but you have been my dad my whole life and I thought you needed me and I thought you loved me. I just thought you loved me.. I don't want you to e-mail me back if you are going to be negative.
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I didn't send it to him because the amount of drugs he's been taking will make me..
Well, appear meaningless.
Invisible..
I'm not going to cry for him tonight.
I'm not going to give him my energy when he's not giving me his.
I just pray that he is well, and I do forgive him-- For he is not a perfect man..
He is just as sick as he is a wonderful person..
It's just sometimes I need to distance my heart from parents with drug addictions.
This is just something I've dealt with a lot most of my life, but with my father-- It's much harder.

I've been feeling odd lately with a lot of this stress about school and my family that I'm finding myself taking way to many kpins that I should be taking.
I had a bad episode two weeks ago finding shit in my room that led me to tears and I just guess I was really hooked, right?
Sometimes I wish I was still like that so I didn't feel anything.. But when I feel happiness, I'm grateful for what I have, and what I don't have.
This pill thing just sucks, I hate needing them to stabilize me.
It makes me feel like my mind is in chains.
I don't know.

On a good note Patrick and I just watched Romeo and Juliet and it was so romantic and cute and of course I cried half the time.
Bill's pretty straight up.
Him and his family as with my mom and grandma are incredibly happy with what happened at school today, I'm not so thrilled but trust me.. It's my fucking mind that's playing the sad game. I really really should be proud,
two jobs, an internship, and a successful manageable class schedule.
It'll get better I guess.
I'm just not happy at all, and I really should be.
I just wish so badly that Patrick was a part of it.
I don't know how I'm going to do it on my own.
Alone.
Fuck.
Help me klonipin.
Is it breakdown time again?
OH,
got my health insurance as well too today.
I'm ready for MEDS.
And.... Counseling.
I guess.



At least I'm rather in love.
<3

Confession of a broken heart - Lindsay Lohan