Love is in the drug.

So it's 6:30am.. And seriously, I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack so I'm guessing I should take the last of my pk's.. right..

Fuck everything dude..

All I've had was a 80 calorie yogurt, and it wasn't even organic.


The God Damn Mother Fucking Hurricane.
"In Patterson, that's just the way things go,
If you're black-- You might as well not show."
"Put in a prison cell but,
ONE TIME HE COULDA BEEN THE CHAMPION OF THE WORLD."
yeh, best song and movie, ever.
Historic even!
Dylan really really paints a brilliant picture for this man's story,
every single word is just so true.
It's incredible, I couldn't be happier with the song.
It'll probably be one of my favorites forever.

:'(, So..
I just saw some pictures of my girl Amelia that I grew up with, and who is also one of the girl's that I lived with in FL..
She's looking very bad..
She did tell me she gets Roxie's for 5 a piece now..
It makes me jealous.. But god..
Just to see somebody I care for look so unhealthy due to very powerful drugs, makes me hurt, and realize how I managed to be 92 lbs in Florida... I guess you really do forget to eat.. I guess I really did throw up after I took a hit.. God. It makes me so jealous, and hurt at the same time.
I hope so badly that they chill out, or they will die.
I know I, myself is a drug addict-- But these people I care about, and I guess when it's not you.. You see addiction in the fucked up light that it really is.
You see it, for addiction. ..And not a game.
So how do I get out of the game?
My old heroin dealer keeps calling me, I am battling some very powerful shit. And I don't know what to do. All my friends are druggies, everybody..
I need a cigarette.

My birthday is in 5 days..
What really do I want?
What honestly is it that I'm after?
Right now, all I want is heroin.
10 bags.
I have not used the powerful fucking bullshit in over a month,
and I feel like I've just given up.
My drug dealer calling me is not a good sign..
I'm scared and feeling incredible helplessness.
I don't know what do to..
I need to talk to Robin.
Even though she would want to party on my birthday with a couple bags and pk's as well.
But, I need her advice.
I don't know how she does it.
I don't know how she maintains a "normal" life and still be addicted to pk's.
Thank goodness she doesn't use heroin as much as I do, otherwise she KNOWS she would be screwed.
I just don't know how she does it all in moderation,
what the fuck is doing drugs in moderation anymore to me?
It just doesn't make sense.
I guess that means I'm an addict.
I cannot USE successfully.
I wish I was never introduced to "addiction".
I'm an idiot.
My mom blames my ex boyfriend,
she always brings it up as if i do not know.
I'm killing myself because of what he did to me,
I KNOW THIS, and I do not need to be reminded.
--What I guess hurts the most...
Is that I gave my all.
And if my all is not enough,
I guess I'm just worthless.
Completely just fuckin worthless.
And now I'm a worthless junkie.
It's such bullshit,
what I've become.
Because of a fuckin dude.
Like come on, am I really that weak?
I guess so.
I've accepted the fact that I'll most likely die this way,
I'll most likely end up using hardcore on my birthday.
Nothing can stop me,
and that's what scares me.
I've forgot what it's like to care, about anything--
Especially myself.

What. Fucking. Ever.
Everything seems like such a blur to me,
my future, my life, my death, my past, my present, my love, my hate,
me.
I don't even need drugs anymore to see life blurry.

Today is Joey's birthday,
hope I get fucking wasted.

Right now.. Ugh.
What. Is. Wrong. With. Me.

Allison keeps wanting to talk to me,
how do I talk to her without saying..
nvm.

I wish happiness didn't wear off.

----------------------------------------------------------------

So.
What else is there except my disgusting drug problem.
I wish I was exaggerating.
I finally understand so many things about addiction,
I understand that It's not something we want, It's something we need.
No matter how badly you want to stop, you simply cannot.
I have not hit rock bottom, and that usually is what gets you to stop.
No, It's not a joke, or a game anymore..
But, it is the only thing that fills everything hallow in me.
When I'm high, nothing at all can touch me.
Nothing can hurt me, or make me cry.
It changed me.
I have AMAZING people in my life,
I've realized that when you are a drug addict-- No matter what,
you just end up hurting them.
And I don't want to do that.
I don't want to shut them out, and be cold and heartless.
I don't want to do that.
And I try SO HARD not to.
Everything is just killing me.
Again,
I wish I was exaggerating.

Well, I have no idea what tomorrow holds for me..
But as for today, I guess I'm just gonna try not to go insane.

"It's a sick love affair, and I'm a hopeless romantic"